the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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