Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Boobs are out for the taking
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
His nipple licking is glorious
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