went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
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