is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
