The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
