Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
