Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Randomize
