dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
