I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize