Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
