Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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