Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
