Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
