I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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