When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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