allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You ruined the universe
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
