Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
