Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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