ya dads aren't the best wingmen
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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