I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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