Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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