the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Go christen that room with your naked body.
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