I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
