Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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