My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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