And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
