highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
