Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
my liver is dry heaving
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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