you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
