dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
