Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
