Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We have started to decorate penises.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
