she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
