seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
