I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
