You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
