When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
