The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i love accidental penises.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
