Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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