I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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