At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
