The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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