His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
