I am spending my child support on dildos
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
