hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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