Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
