I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
