I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
