when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize