Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
