God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
