yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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