If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize