You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
