Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
