I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
