Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
