There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
