checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
