peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
